You Don't Say?
by Treanz-Alyce
Summary: What you never thought they'd say. Reformated version of my previous highly successful YDS, to fit guidelines. Chapter 2 – Jonathan of Conte – "In truth, I am nothing but a useless pretty-boy pansy". -DISCONTINUED-
1. Alanna the Lioness

**YOU DON'T SAY ... ?**

**Disclaimer**: Tamora Pierce owns the characters. Some of these are from websites (which I cannot find right now and will mention in the furture) but most are my own! I hope you enjoy, and feel free to submit your own for characters that are coming up in future characters!

**Author's Note**: Well, I know you've all been pining for YDS, those of you who read the last few versions of it. I was randomly inspired to rewrite and repost this fic – shock!horror! in a format that /won't/ get it taken off fanfiction. I am still, however, playing around with the format I will present the lines in, resulting in this. Please let me know what you think, because I'm feeling two things right now. One is that this format is too clichéd, the other being that maybe I'm losing my touch (as you do after a while away from the realms of fanfiction). sigh

**Dedicated**: to RosieeisoR for unintentionally inspiring me, and Peachy Garlic & Youdontneedtoknow for their dedication to the last version of YDS. (A longer list when I actually _think_ next chapter, I promise)

**Summary**: You've all been in agony, waiting for me to rewrite, reformat and repost YDS – Now its back! What you never thought they'd say. Chapter 1 – Alanna the Lioness – "Where's my WonderBra?"

_**Please Note**: I'm looking for a Beta for this fic. A background in humor, or at least a sense of, helps :p_

****

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 1**

The door was shut. The girl outside waited, tapping her foot impatiently. Checking to make sure that no one else was around, she knelt down and pressed her ear against the key hole under the doorknob, in an attempt to hear what was happening inside the room. Cursing under her breath, the girl shifted her body weight to press against the door so she could hear more clearly.

"...wish you'd been a runt like me. That would have made it..."

The two women sitting on the bed sprang up, caught unaware yet still ready, as the teenager tumbled into the room through the door, to land in a heap on the floor. Both were armed within a split second as the newcomer scrambled to her feet. The shorter of the two was already advancing on her an angry gleam in her violet eyes. The face of the taller, broad shouldered woman was blank.

Flashing the other two a quick smile, the teenager cleared her throat, attempting to salvage some kind of dignity. "Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting something? I can come back later."

This casual approach did not bode well with the Lioness. "What business do you have here, sneaking and spying?" she demanded, darting behind the girl to shut the door. Blocking the main exit point, she surveyed the newcomer.

The girl shrugged her shoulders. "Suit yourself. It doesn't fuss me." She looked around the room, wrinkling her nose. "Not really my taste, you know. I like a bit more colour, to tell you the truth."

Keladry took a different approach with the girl, ignoring the slight about her room furnishings. "Are you looking for someone in particular? Lady Alanna and I were in the middle of a conversation."

The girl grinned broadly at her. "Of course you were. Don't worry ladies, I know all about you two. Your secret is safe with me." She winked, pleased with something.

Alanna just stared at her for a moment, watching as she plopped herself down on a chair comfortably. "And you would be?"

"Katrina." She replied, though added as an afterthought, "Kat is fine, though my official title is Treanz-Alyce, but feel free to call me 'Your Majesty', they all work."

With that, Alanna lost it. "That's it, out you go." She headed over to where Katrina was to grab her and escort her out, but only got a few feet when Kat jumped up and brandished a small rectangular black box with red buttons. A lethal looking antenna sprouted from the top.

Kel grabbed her weapon as Katrina brought the remote control to point at Alanna's chest. "One more step and I'll use it."

Alanna rolled her eyes, though she didn't move forward. "And what might that thing do?"

"This little baby? Why, this is the... wrong one. Oops. This is the clothe-control - It basically makes you remove your clothing. Fortunately, I'm still underage, and old ladies aren't really my taste, so we won't be using it today - I'm saving it for Nealan." She confided, reaching into her pocket to pull out another, remarkably smaller, simpler and overall less threatening remote, as she slipped the clothe-control back. "What I want to use, on the other hand was this one. It-"

"I'm not here for games." Alanna snapped.

"But, don't you want to know what-"

"NO!" Alanna glared at Katrina, making the girl sigh.

"I tried to warn you." She shrugged. "Too late." She grinned at Alanna as she pressed the largest red button.

Alanna didn't have time to stop herself. "Cross-dressing is cool!" Shocked, the Lioness clamped her hands over her mouth.

Katrina cackled gleefully, pushing it again.

"Where's my WonderBra? How am I supposed to fight without it?"

Keladry stared at her heroine in horror as Kat pressed it again.

"My ultimate ambition in life is to be a housewife. I am totally against violence."

Alanna seemed to realize what had made her say such things. "Why you little-"She lunged at Kat, who dived towards the bed in an attempt to get out of the King's Champion's way. "I knit in my spare time." Alanna shrieked the last word, infuriated, yet unable to control it. "Eeek! I broke a nail!"

Keladry advanced on the gleeful Katrina, determined to put an end to the situation. Attempting to grab to remote, Kel found herself engaged in a tug-o-war as Alanna continued in the background.

"I wish I had become a lady"

Kel wrenched the remote out of Katrina's grip, the later squealing indignantly as she attempted to regain it, adding to the noise.

"I'm a virgin ... I swear ..." Cursing, Alanna entered to power struggle for the remote. "I was the one who screwed the Heir, King of Thieves and Shang Dragon, cross dressed for eight years and killed Roger twice, yet Keladry got the cool lady knight shield thingy. Life is so not fair."

Keladry froze, releasing her grip on the remote as she gaped at Alanna, allowing Katrina to grab it back. "What was that?"

Alanna opened her mouth to explain, instead proclaiming to Kel "I love you." Both turned back to Katrina, who was darting across towards the door.

Katrina threw open the door, and began to race down a hall. Not really a runner, and being chased by rabid lady knights, Kat knew she had to get out of there fast.

As she rounded a corner, she glanced back to see Alanna and Kel both quickly gaining on her. Pressing the remote several times, she heard the Lady Knight yell out "King Jonathan has crabs."

The window was just ahead. Katrina ignored her puffed lungs, and pressed harder on both her will and the remote button.

"I gave Neal tips about more than just healing." Alanna confessed at the top of her voice. "Delia of Eldorne is my idol."

She was almost there. Several feet from the window, Katrina leapt towards the window, throwing herself to safety. As she hit the glass and was knocked out cold, she realized one very important point.

It was still closed.


	2. Jonathan of Conte

**YOU DON'T SAY …?**

**Disclaimer**: Tamora Pierce owns the characters. Some of these are from websites (which I cannot find right now and will mention in the furture) but most are my own! I hope you enjoy, and feel free to submit your own for characters that are coming up in future characters!

**Author's Note**: Written in a hurry at 9pm – so its crap – sue me… Oh and thanks for your reviews.

**Summary**: You've all been in agony, waiting for me to rewrite, reformat and repost YDS – Now its back! What you never thought they'd say. Chapter 2 – Jonathan of Conte – "In truth, I am nothing but a useless pretty-boy pansy"

**Thank-you to Lindsay**, my new beta for this fic – Chapter 3 will be on its way to her tomorrow. This will be the last unbetaed chapter. If you're interested in betaing, let me know in a review anyway.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

"You said you wanted to be useful." Jonathan pointed out.

Alanna had to grin. "Thank-you Jonathan" She whispered.

"You won't regret it, or at least, I won't." he gathered everyone's attention. "Let us move on and discuss the situation at hand. I refer to-" The King-to-be paused momentarily, before continuing, "I have an unhealthy obsessive-compulsive disorder when it comes to wearing the colour blue." Jon nodded vigorously as his councillors traded confused looks.

Gary tried to ignore Jonathan's unusual admission, clearing his throat. "Well then - I've been reviewing the prices of iron for the past-" He was interrupted by the King cursing loudly.

Jonathan was frantically looking over and around his seat and table. "Who cares about the poor, the homeless and the hungry? I've lost my colour contacts – How will I ever be able to show my face in court again!"

The Dukes Baird and Gareth traded concerned looks. "Jonathan, are you sure you are feeling alright? Did you not sleep well? Have you been eating properly?" Duke Baird ventured.

Jonathan paused from his frantic search to glare at the Chief Healer. "Do I look alright? Do I look alright?" Jon's tone was aggressive, "I mean, everyone thinks Roger killed my father, but c'mon, think about it – who was next in line for the throne?" He tapped his temple to emphasise his point.

Shocked silence met this revelation as all the councillors dealt with Jonathan's behaviour in their own ways. Raoul shifted in his seat uncomfortably, staring at his hands. That was when he felt a pressure on his thigh. He froze at what could only be a hand slowly stoked his upper leg, and was then lifted away. To his left sat Gary, to his right The Lord Provost. The Provost's hands were folded in front of him on the table, logically leaving Gary (incidentally, with his hands under the table) as the one stroking his leg.

Jonathan, meanwhile, continued with his tirade, "I hate Thayet, but marrying her is the only way I can get a sane wife and still sleep with Buri."

Gary felt a hand stroke his leg, and tearing his worried gaze away from his royal cousin, he looked around. Raoul was looking at him strangely, with a mixture of disgust and awe. Gary squirmed in his seat, pulling away from the hand that was now resting on his knee. He glared at Raoul, who raised his eyebrows. Confused, he mouthed 'What?' to the Knight Commander, only to get a shrug in response.

"I'm feeling depressed. I haven't seen myself in the mirror for fifteen minutes!" Jonathan wailed.

Turning back towards the King, Gary realised that his father was giving him a look that mirrored the one he had received only a moment earlier by Raoul. Staring defensively from one to the other, he was relieved when the attention was diverted back to their king, who had taken that moment to inform Alanna that "women can't fight for peanuts!"

She gasped with indignation. "Jonathan, what are you talking about? Several minutes ago you appointed me as your Champion! Now I can't fight?" Alanna's famed temper was rapidly rising at him, King of Tortall or not.

"Alanna, sleeping with you was the only way I could act out my homosexual fantasies but still stay straight!" He smiled blandly at the woman whose face was turning was turning a rather dashing shade of red as a result.

Alanna jumped up. "Right, that's it. We're taking this to the practice courts Jon." Baird and Myles sprang up to restrain her.

At that moment, Raoul noticed the figure crawling out the side door. "Hey! Stop" He attempted to heroically vault over the desk to catch the girl, who was now scrambling up and beginning to run from the room. Instead, he got his foot caught, tripped, smacked his head and rolled over the surface. By the time he got up she was out of the room and halfway down the hall.

"Raoul, where are you going?" Duke Gareth demanded as the Knight Commander rushed from the room.

As he parted, Raoul distinctly heard his friend wail, "I miss Roger." Shaking his head, he quickened his pace, in hot pursuit of the girl. The other's stayed to restrain both Alanna and Jonathan. "In truth, I am nothing but a useless pretty-boy pansy."

He caught her several minuted later. She fought as he pulled her into a side room, servants casting their eyes aside from the noble and his struggling captive.

Raoul let go of her to lock to the door. Katrina eyed him lazily, drawling "Well, you're not really one to waste time on courtship now, are you?" She snicked.

Ignoring her, he drew himself up to his full threatening height, and demanded forcefully. "Who are you, and what was your business in the King's Council Chambers?"

"You've got rather nice legs, you know." Smirking, Katrina only infuriated him even more. "Now, as much fun as this has been, I'm not supposed to get involved with the characters, strictly speaking." Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a black box. "Dead useful, you know?" Pressing the vivid pink button, she waved.

"What do you think you're-" Raoul stoped as she vanished into thin air, utterly confused.

Gary and The Lord Provost burst into the room a moment later. They glanced around, but one except Raoul in the room. Gary rolled his eyes at his friend. "Now Raoul, I know you don't like Jon's long winded meetings" he began crossly, "but that's no excuse to go gallivanting around the Palace, creating a ruckus!"

"But- but, the girl, she was here…" He protested earnestly, glancing frantically around the room for a sign of her. Resignedly, he searched the room once, and then accompanied Gary and the Provost back to the chambers.

* * *

**Up next: Daine the Wildmage**

**Be nice (review) and I'm tempted to update sooner!**


End file.
